A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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