my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
