dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
