and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
