remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
