Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's shark week go big or go home
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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