You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
