Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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