She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
