Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
