so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
