Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
