it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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