what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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