woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
