Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
