True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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