she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
