All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
