Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
