I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
