I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
