Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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