he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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