I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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