Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
