i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
