Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
