Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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