it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
