I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
