So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
