My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
