Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
