Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
