I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
