Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
