headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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