Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
