I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
