I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
