I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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