so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
