I think my vagina is haunted
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
