I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
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