i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
