I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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