i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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