Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
