i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
