My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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