My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
