your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
